But that ain’t enough to break me
Cuz I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll dust the pain off my heart

And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I’ll get back on my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken (Joss Stone, Bruised But Not Broken)

I’m bruised but not broken. As each day does by I am reminded that who I am is NOT dependent upon who I am with. The one thing I can say about my upbringing is that it afforded me the ability appreciate solitude… okay in this case it’s loneliness. I’ve been alone before. It didn’t kill me. My default is recluse mode. Being a part of a whole that surely had cracks in it was not all that I had hoped it would be. But I wanted it because I never had it before. For a while it caused me to lose sight of who Zak was. To keep it 100, I’m still not sure. I still think in the context of a girlfriend, of a lover, of a friend… However, I’m the only one that has any context at this point. I’ve realized that I’ve been used and discarded. I’ve used her and discarded her at one point as well. Maybe this is my karma. I know Karma is a bitch but is she that literal.

You’ll speak her name sweetly
but in the rhythm of my heartbeat
You trace her face with your index wishing
her features were as delicate as mine
her rough life shows on her face.

You want to make it better
but want me to make you better
You want to retreat into my warmth
because her winter is brutal
She can’t help it
Cold is her nature

If you love her, why are you here?
Because warm is my nature
You are drawn to my warmth
it makes you feel safe
I get that
I take advantage
I don’t really want you.
Just want the familiar.

SO you should go back to her
after I make you scream my name
till the syllables are embedded on your tongue-
I fucked you into submission -
then sent you home to her.

Till next time…

BTW I’m really drunk. Forgive me.

When I checked my stats It surprised me than anyone even visited in my absence, let alone the vast number of you that have. Those of you that have not given up on me, I appreciate that. Those that have, I can dig it. I don’t really have much patience for anyone that just randomly goes on sabbatical. But, what can I say. I’m sometimsey and moody and I live in my head. That’s me. At, least I’m self aware.

There were so many thing that have happened in the past month and a half that I wanted to speak on. I was on such a constant ebb that is seemed pointless to try to write anything. My entire though process lacked lucidity and I was spiraling. Not to say today is that much better, but there is a weeeeeeee bit of clarity. I call that progress. That’s all that I can ask for. They say progress is a slow process. I don’t know who the fuck they are. But whatever.

I used to be vain

I claw the skin beneath my eyes
where the ash of dry salt mapped the path

blood streams down to valley above my lip
down to my second chin
collects around my neck
like sweat during August heat waves

it drips to the half healed flat iron burn on my breast, still pink
-raw

I rub it in like
-crimson balm
then lick it off

I used to be vain

Copyright 2009 Z. Walker

For the first time I feel like the world may be going into a different direction.  It’s moving into a direction that I feel may be good enough for you. My entire life, I figured that I’d never have kids for various reasons.   Please don’t think that it’s you (or the idea of you.)  

 (1)  The world is in peril ad infinitum.  What type of person knowingly brings their child into a world of pain?  Would that not make me selfish?  No matter how much I try to protect you, there will always be some ugly that will seep in. I am so sorry for that. War, famine, crime, grave intolerance, hate…the world is just full of it.  I am so scared that I will be unable to prepare you for what this world is.  All of the love that I can give you and all of the good intentions may not suffice.

(2) Reason # 2 is probably the more pervasive of the two.  I did not think that I was capable of even being a mediocre parent. Let alone  good one.  A great parent would have been out of the question. 

 Recently, I’ve begun to think that thinks are beginning to align.  Possibly, I am not as incompetent as I’ve been led to think.  I’m not gonna run out an try to conceive (or adopt) you today. But when you get here, I’ll be a bit less befuddled.  I need time to become the best me possible; for both of us.  I need to have something to offer you. It is important to me to discount the victimhood that my lineage dictates.  But when the time come please know:

a)  I will bring you into the world ( or my life)  only when I am part of a pair.  We will love and respect each other as equals before we even think about adding to our family.

b) I will have corrected my isolative behavior so that you may be surrounded by people that love you and will be at your avail when I am being a dick, or unreasonable , or selfish, or just a victim of my own crazy.

c) Though this world is full of bullshit,  I will not dwell on the negatives but I will teach you to appreciate the beauty, art, culture, divine design, and small miracles that life has to offer.

d)I will not lean on you to be stronger than you are capable of being at any given time.  But you will always be able to lean on me.I will hold you up.  You will never be to heavy.

e)I will never a give a free pass to anyone that may ever hurt you. Even if it may be to my benefit.  Your enemies are mine. Your pain is mine.  Anyone that does you wrong will answer to me.

f) I will never steal from you.  Money, attention, material…whatever.  What is yours is yours, exclusively.

g) I will never make you feel ashamed about who you are.  My life’s mission will include making sure you know that you are unique and special.

h)I will never bring you into this world to repair something that is broken or to keep hold of something that was never mine to possess.

i)I wil teach you healthy eathing habits and healthy movement patterns .

j)I will always wipe your tears. Anywhere. Anytime.  Never be ashamed to tell me what you feel.

k) I will serve as an example of what a good person is instead of telling you what/who you should be.  I will be the best me possible so you know that greatness is possible.

l)When I fuck up, I will apologize without shame or indignation.  I am human and therefore, fallible.  That is something that we must all learn.  No one is above making mistake,  Nor are we above correcting them.

m)I will teach you that mediocrity that not acceptable under any circumstances.  Achieving gretness takes great work.  There are no shortcuts.

n) I will never use your existance to not grow as a person.  It is quite the contrary. The fact that that I am I even thinking about you today is making me strive to be a better person for you.

o) I do not always speak in cliche’s and hackenyed language, but sometimes it it necessary.

It’s gonna be one hell of a ride.  But its a ride that we will take together. I promise you If you give me a chance I’m gonna be the best.

Love,

Me

Sometimes, however, there is a jewel in there somewhere. Toady, I got a friend request from a close friend from high school. Be, clear! I really hate being in communication with anyone from my past. That includes people that I used to ag to high school or college with. I go out of my way to avoid  the town where I attended high school in fear that someone will want to talk to me or exchange numbers. It really makes my skin crawl.  But, when this person requested me I was instantly surprised and happy. Although, I was relatively popular in HS she made my hard time a bit more tolerable.  Maybe because it was be were both in the same situation and could commiserate together.  

Now, I am not necessarily jumping at the chance to do lunch with her or anything.  Just like to know thats she’s okay and a living a blessed life.

Slang usually runs a natural course and disappears as the generation that once utilized it grows older.   This, however, is more than a case of slang running its natural course. There’s a level of  cornballness that is established with when a word attains commercial success to the point that the likes Old Spiceemploys it for use in one it’s campaigns. (remember when Paris Hiton and Bill O’Reily started saying BLING BLING and BOOTYLICIOUS got a place in the dictionary) That makes it ridiculously uncool and slovenly pejorative ( as it was intitially itended). Ironcialy enough, it was none of this that has lead me to retire this word from my vocabulary. It is the horribleness that is Soulajaboytellem. I can no longer advocate this level of bafoonery. So people I will not be “turning my swag on” ever again. I just can’t. Each time I say my once favorite word, I feel my IQ plummet and my stomach turn like I just walked in on folks doing the stanky leg. Seriously people, swagger once had a distinction of class that was associated with a Diddy white party. Now it has a connotation that can be readily associated with “supermanning a ho”. I can’t. It’s just too much.

With all of that said, I find it difficult to determine an apt replacement for a word that had been such a mainstay in my vocabulary.  There are few words that encapsulate the physical and personality traits that that word SWAGGER embodies.

Words that could replace it SWAGGER

PANACHE I cannot make cool varations like I can with swagger, like swag, swaggalicious, swaggeriffic, swagadocious, or swaggtastic. Yeah -good stuff.

BRAVADO
This just has way too many syllables.

Do you have any suggestions? Have you retired anything from your vocabulary? I’ll add to this list as I come up with more.