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Spring Has Sprung in the Hood

March 20, 2009

I have never been a big fan of Spring. It is really just a reminder the the hot, sweaty, humid Summer is on the way. Despite being born in August, I have never been a fan of Summer. Spring is just the beginning of the end for me. Putting away my Fall/Winter threads seems like such an arduous task. Procrastination is truly a major character flaw of mine. I always wait till the Spring to get the warm weather wardrobe together. It seems like I am the only one.

It is day one of the new season and let me tell you folks. THE BIRDS ARE OUT. It is not even half past noon and I have seen booty shorts, tube tops, halter tops, and 2 sports bra/tights/Uggs combinations. One even had a belt. This was just the girls walking to and from the local high school.

Being a fly plus sized chica, I am always cognizant of cases of WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING BIG GIRL ?moments. Your near nudity and back rolls hanging from your wife beater is not welcoming. I have been on this Earth for 24 Springs & and have been full-figured (anywhere from a 12 to a 22) for pretty much all of them. Never have I walked out of my house  in something that makes people want to spread butter in my crevices. (unless they are just kinky. In that case I can’t help it.) There are plenty of places to shop that use the allotted amount of fabric that will hold your body and will satisfy your size, style, age appropriateness, and price criterion. Hell, Rainbow even carries up to at least size 24/4x.  Get it together.

Guys:  Soggy wifebeaters are not the business.  If your armholes are hanging below your man nipples, then I implore to buy a new pack of Fruit of the Looms or a box of fresh white tees.  At the very least be clean and presentable.  I don’t need you to be all GQ (I won’t aim too high) Furthermore, it is 2009.  We may have swooned over a full view of your  boxers and your pants all under your ass 10 years ago.  Now it’s just annoying and it makes us wonder if you did a doo -doo on yourself.

Public Decorum:  Sitting on your car is not cute.  Sitting on other folks cars is an egregious offense and you should be tarred and feathered for it.  If I come out and find you sitting on the hood of my car, I promise that I will make you lick your butt print off of my  hood. TRUST.

Porch Monkey Syndrome: 

Symptoms
-10 people are on your porch in lawn chairs
– 2 babies in are walkers and one is  in a rocker
– there’s 3 dudes with St. Ides and a girl w/ a black and mild
–  your cousin is  getting her hair braided while her mama gets a perm
– you have an extension cord coming out of you window that has a radio and a curling iron plugged in
Cure: STOP.  Go in the house.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. March 20, 2009 2:11 pm

    Girl, you ain’t neva lied!! Porch Monkey Syndrome is folks purposely being too nosey to miss anything that happens in the strees. Just trifling. You are dam right!Armholes do NOT go under your Mipples (Man Nipples).

  2. March 20, 2009 2:32 pm

    love it!!! love it!!! this is funny and true! great post!!!

  3. March 21, 2009 2:14 pm

    LMAO You got it on point!

  4. Missy permalink
    March 23, 2009 8:28 pm

    Co-sign!!

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