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I See You Sister Big Bone

March 31, 2009

This is for you Sister Big Bone. I pump my fist in curvy-chick solidarity. Being a thick woman for my entire life has afforded me the knowledge of what works well on our body types. On the daily basis we are inundated with article after article analyzing our bodies and applying labels to our problems. Are you and apple or a pear? Who cares you are a woman and any additional label is unnecessary. There are no rules when it comes to being a fashionista. When all is said and done fierce is fierce. Impeccable style has no size, gender, or price point. It’s all about doing what suits your body and reflects you personality the best. It pains me to see my sisters in size walk out of the house wearing foolishness. Anything that distracts from your assets is not good. Women that are size 6 have areas that they feel a need to cover. Please don’t act like you don’t. I know that SPANXcan be a bit expensive. Believe me they work wonders. There are also comparable body shapers all over the place that hold everything together, smoothes, and shapes and minimizes jiggle. It is a investment.  You don’t have to wear them daily just when needed. A good panty/bra also does a world of good as well. You wear them anyway; why not invest in some that will accentuate. Any woman above 38 anything and larger than a C-cup should not be buying their bras from the $3.00 at Conway. Large breasts are the things that fantasies are made of, but not when your flesh is bubbling over them or the girls can still be strapped down in your belt.

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When Facebook Does Me Good

March 27, 2009

Facebook was never my favorite social media site.  I just got one when I was in college because I was very active around campus and needed an outlet to promote this big things that I was doing. Upon graduating, I threw Facebook the deuces and moved on with my life with minimal social media activity. ( Until I found my current addiction, Twitter.)
There was a serious cringe factor each time I logged in (usually monthly) and see a friend request from some nondescript that I had gone to high school with. For some strange reason, I never deleted it. Maybe it was the inherent fear that most of us have, that we may miss something HUGE. That’s rarely the case, though. Were are usually just inundated with party invites, random “gifts” and requests form people that are selling things.

Sometimes, however, there is a jewel in there somewhere. Toady, I got a friend request from a close friend from high school. Be, clear! I really hate being in communication with anyone from my past. That includes people that I used to ag to high school or college with. I go out of my way to avoid  the town where I attended high school in fear that someone will want to talk to me or exchange numbers. It really makes my skin crawl.  But, when this person requested me I was instantly surprised and happy. Although, I was relatively popular in HS she made my hard time a bit more tolerable.  Maybe because it was be were both in the same situation and could commiserate together.  

Now, I am not necessarily jumping at the chance to do lunch with her or anything.  Just like to know thats she’s okay and a living a blessed life.

The Death of Swagger

March 25, 2009

There is no shortage of folks that believe the word swaggerhas run its course.  It is slowly becoming  a linguistic pariah.  It’s a word that those of us in the hip-hop generation have used at nonstop for the past 5 years.  Now many of us  anxiously await the DEATH OF  SWAGGER, or any of its ilk.  The time has come for it to fall  the way of once  infamous BLING BLING and the hackneyed Grown & Sexy .  

Slang usually runs a natural course and disappears as the generation that once utilized it grows older.   This, however, is more than a case of slang running its natural course. There’s a level of  cornballness that is established with when a word attains commercial success to the point that the likes Old Spiceemploys it for use in one it’s campaigns. (remember when Paris Hiton and Bill O’Reily started saying BLING BLING and BOOTYLICIOUS got a place in the dictionary) That makes it ridiculously uncool and slovenly pejorative ( as it was intitially itended). Ironcialy enough, it was none of this that has lead me to retire this word from my vocabulary. It is the horribleness that is Soulajaboytellem. I can no longer advocate this level of bafoonery. So people I will not be “turning my swag on” ever again. I just can’t. Each time I say my once favorite word, I feel my IQ plummet and my stomach turn like I just walked in on folks doing the stanky leg. Seriously people, swagger once had a distinction of class that was associated with a Diddy white party. Now it has a connotation that can be readily associated with “supermanning a ho”. I can’t. It’s just too much.

With all of that said, I find it difficult to determine an apt replacement for a word that had been such a mainstay in my vocabulary.  There are few words that encapsulate the physical and personality traits that that word SWAGGER embodies.

Words that could replace it SWAGGER

PANACHE I cannot make cool varations like I can with swagger, like swag, swaggalicious, swaggeriffic, swagadocious, or swaggtastic. Yeah -good stuff.

BRAVADO
This just has way too many syllables.

Do you have any suggestions? Have you retired anything from your vocabulary? I’ll add to this list as I come up with more.

Changing the Status Quo

March 22, 2009

Folks, I have finally up and done it.  I bit the bullet and joined the gym.  I must say that I am beyond excited and a very afraid.   Changes are scary.  I am looking to overhaul everythingabout me.  That means a serious lifestyle change.   The way I relate to food, live and move all must be reassessed  and improved.  Understand, I want this to be the LAST time that I have to lose a massive amount of weight.  Although I’ve attained moderate success over that last year with my weight loss endeavors.  (1) It’s really not enough.  (2)  I am caught in this cycle of gaining and losing the same twenty pounds.  I  am sure that these less than stellar results are due to my inability to make life changes.  It’s been a habit of mine to simply go with the path of least resistance.  I’d question what would be the easiest way to lose weight without disrupting the status quo too much.  That would be the path I’d take.  At this point in my life, its more about shaking things up a bit.  The last 2 years of my life have been the most difficult and I am looking to get out of this rut.  A situation cannot be changes if you continue to repeat the same processes. 

 Employing the help of professionals is the first step in Operation: Get Right. 

 

Wish me luck, folks.  I’m going in.

Spring Has Sprung in the Hood

March 20, 2009

I have never been a big fan of Spring. It is really just a reminder the the hot, sweaty, humid Summer is on the way. Despite being born in August, I have never been a fan of Summer. Spring is just the beginning of the end for me. Putting away my Fall/Winter threads seems like such an arduous task. Procrastination is truly a major character flaw of mine. I always wait till the Spring to get the warm weather wardrobe together. It seems like I am the only one.

It is day one of the new season and let me tell you folks. THE BIRDS ARE OUT. It is not even half past noon and I have seen booty shorts, tube tops, halter tops, and 2 sports bra/tights/Uggs combinations. One even had a belt. This was just the girls walking to and from the local high school.

Being a fly plus sized chica, I am always cognizant of cases of WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING BIG GIRL ?moments. Your near nudity and back rolls hanging from your wife beater is not welcoming. I have been on this Earth for 24 Springs & and have been full-figured (anywhere from a 12 to a 22) for pretty much all of them. Never have I walked out of my house  in something that makes people want to spread butter in my crevices. (unless they are just kinky. In that case I can’t help it.) There are plenty of places to shop that use the allotted amount of fabric that will hold your body and will satisfy your size, style, age appropriateness, and price criterion. Hell, Rainbow even carries up to at least size 24/4x.  Get it together.

Guys:  Soggy wifebeaters are not the business.  If your armholes are hanging below your man nipples, then I implore to buy a new pack of Fruit of the Looms or a box of fresh white tees.  At the very least be clean and presentable.  I don’t need you to be all GQ (I won’t aim too high) Furthermore, it is 2009.  We may have swooned over a full view of your  boxers and your pants all under your ass 10 years ago.  Now it’s just annoying and it makes us wonder if you did a doo -doo on yourself.

Public Decorum:  Sitting on your car is not cute.  Sitting on other folks cars is an egregious offense and you should be tarred and feathered for it.  If I come out and find you sitting on the hood of my car, I promise that I will make you lick your butt print off of my  hood. TRUST.

Porch Monkey Syndrome: 

Symptoms
-10 people are on your porch in lawn chairs
– 2 babies in are walkers and one is  in a rocker
– there’s 3 dudes with St. Ides and a girl w/ a black and mild
–  your cousin is  getting her hair braided while her mama gets a perm
– you have an extension cord coming out of you window that has a radio and a curling iron plugged in
Cure: STOP.  Go in the house.

What Straight Girls Can Learn from the Lezzies

March 20, 2009

Gay girls and straight girls are not that different.  No matter how much society attempts to marginalize any alternative lifestyle, there are still  major commalities. Come on,  we are all women. We have needs, wants, and qualities that are inherent in all humans. But there are a few things that we can stand to learn from each other.  So here are a few things that that straight women can learn from lesbians when it comes to relationships.

 

1. Oral sex is good for you.

There are few that will disagree that oral sex is great.  However, when it comes the reciprocating , many women will all but get a note from their doctor excusing them from taking the plunge.  I mean, come on ladies.  Did no one teach you the golden rule ?  Due unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Sex is always better when all parties involved  feels as though they have been taken care of adequately.

2. Gender roles are arcane societal myths.

But we all prescribe to them at some point in our lives.   They are ingrained in us.  No matter where you go  in the world, there are predetermined and often rigid  set roles  that one is expected to assume based solely on whether you have a wee wee or girl flower.   With lezzies, the expectations are a bit different.  The role that one plays in a relationship is one that is determined by the individual, whether consciously or subconsciously .  There are no traditional roles.  Deviating from tradition allows you to  explore your mates needs and you underlying desires  without either party being afraid that they are stepping to far out of bounds.

3. It ain’t none of your friends’ business/ aint none of your friends’ business.

Unless you are being beaten or held against your will, there is really no reason that everyone/anyone has to accept your relationship.   In same sex relationships, there is no shortage of folks that shutter to think that two people of the same sex are  in love.   People protest for hours on end against you , families disown you, sometimes people even feel a need to physically harm you.  The choice to come out of the closet is a big one and you never know what the result will be from those close to you.  It’s hard enough to know that there are thousands of people that publicly vilify you for your mere existence.

When it comes to your relationship, it is okay that people don’t understand why you love him.  They are not with him.  They are not part of your tender moments or the hard times that bring you together.   The way people view others is more about their own hang-ups.   There are dozens of reasons people feel a need to throw salt.  Sometimes it comes from a place of love.  Sometimes it’s simply that they cannot bare to see people happy. Whatever the reason, other folks  issues  are not revelent.  Follow your heart   When you are alone and loveless  these folks are not gonna cuddle up with you and watch America’s Next Top Model.

Steal this show

September 3, 2008

US television networks are no stranger to show stealing.  Sometime it works…think The Office.  Often times it doesn’t.  Remember Coupling?  There’s no point. Really.  Lets not forget all of these countless not …I Just Got Ate By A Hole And Got WipedOut nonsence that seems to be taking the decent folk hostage.

Sensationalism and homogeny is the name of the game.  And what is better than when is actually is a game?  So please steal BRITAIN’S  MISSING TOP MODEL.  I am in love with this show.  I just happened to be just browsing youtube and came across this show.  I spent the next few hours watching .  I’m sure that I had some other activity planned that was far less important.   This took over.

We all know the ANTM premise. Right?  Of course we do? Random girls…yadayadayada airbrush wishes and YSL dreams. Well this is a modeling competition for disabled women.  SCORE for diversity!!!  8  beautiful women with model aspirations and varied disabilities are put in a  home and put to the test. 

Some of these ladies are deaf, missing limbs, brain traumas, and there is also one in a wheelchair.  There are no short cuts here, they go on go -sees,  model lingerie, and of course pose for photshoots.  I’m sure there is more to come.  I am only through episode 3 and I am already hoping for a second season.

Most importantly, there is drama.  Although not the please don’t cut my hair your ass is way too fat you were late for the designer OMG you fucked that male model in the hot tub kind of drama.   Ok maybe a bit.  There is also my disability is worse than your you look like a regular model stop whining you have to be a model first you took my translator and I’m deaf kind of drama.

Im a time when we are all -ok maybe a few of us- are worried about the model BLACKOUT, there is a needs to laude anyone making an attempt to bring diversity to the fashion industry.  It’s not just about one issue of Italian Vouge.