Been alot that I’ve been through
I cried a tear a time or two
Baby, you know I cried some over you, yeah
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down, baby
But that ain’t enough to break me
Cuz I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll dust the pain off my heart
And I’ll be alright
And I’ll love again
And the wounds will mend
I’m bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I’ll get back on my feet
It’s not the end of me
My heart is still open
I’m bruised but not broken (Joss Stone, Bruised But Not Broken)
I’m bruised but not broken. As each day does by I am reminded that who I am is NOT dependent upon who I am with. The one thing I can say about my upbringing is that it afforded me the ability appreciate solitude… okay in this case it’s loneliness. I’ve been alone before. It didn’t kill me. My default is recluse mode. Being a part of a whole that surely had cracks in it was not all that I had hoped it would be. But I wanted it because I never had it before. For a while it caused me to lose sight of who Zak was. To keep it 100, I’m still not sure. I still think in the context of a girlfriend, of a lover, of a friend… However, I’m the only one that has any context at this point. I’ve realized that I’ve been used and discarded. I’ve used her and discarded her at one point as well. Maybe this is my karma. I know Karma is a bitch but is she that literal.
I want to fuck you senseless –
Make you scream my name –
till the syllables are embedded on your tongue-
I’ll fuck you into submission –
then send you home to her.
You’ll speak her name sweetly
but in the rhythm of my heartbeat
You trace her face with your index wishing
her features were as delicate as mine
her rough life shows on her face.
You want to make it better
but want me to make you better
You want to retreat into my warmth
because her winter is brutal
She can’t help it
Cold is her nature
If you love her, why are you here?
Because warm is my nature
You are drawn to my warmth
it makes you feel safe
I get that
I take advantage
I don’t really want you.
Just want the familiar.
SO you should go back to her
after I make you scream my name
till the syllables are embedded on your tongue-
I fucked you into submission –
then sent you home to her.
Till next time…
I’ve never felt heartbreak like I feel it now. My entire body is numb. Now I know how cutters feel. When deep seeded pain leads to numbness there is this aching to feel something else. Even if it is physical pain. A headache or toothache is always indicative of something else. Heartbreak is just that. A broken fucking heart. It’s the type of pain that is evoked by a smell, a song, or a damn color. It’s when you forget about all the bad times that led to the demise of the relationship and can only see the good times and wonder is she that happy good with her new girlfriend. She can’t be. One can only have ONE true love. I was hers. WASN’T I?
BTW I’m really drunk. Forgive me.
Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve even logged into this blog account. I do apologize to any of you that were looking for me. I’ve actually been a bit busy with job searching and vacillating between extremes. I would say that I was feeling bi-polar but that would be a bit melodramatic of me. It would also be unfair to anyone that actually is bi-polar. When my pendulum swings, it doesn’t quite reach a mania. I’m also way to analytical and methodical at all times to have any hint of manic behavior. Having said that, in the interest of full disclosure, as they say, I did feel like to I was quietly going insane. I don’t quite have a way to express it in words. Let’s just say I was a few days away from being on some Virginia Woolf / Silvia Plath shit.
When I checked my stats It surprised me than anyone even visited in my absence, let alone the vast number of you that have. Those of you that have not given up on me, I appreciate that. Those that have, I can dig it. I don’t really have much patience for anyone that just randomly goes on sabbatical. But, what can I say. I’m sometimsey and moody and I live in my head. That’s me. At, least I’m self aware.
There were so many thing that have happened in the past month and a half that I wanted to speak on. I was on such a constant ebb that is seemed pointless to try to write anything. My entire though process lacked lucidity and I was spiraling. Not to say today is that much better, but there is a weeeeeeee bit of clarity. I call that progress. That’s all that I can ask for. They say progress is a slow process. I don’t know who the fuck they are. But whatever.
I prepare my nails before bed
gnawing and ripping them with that one jagged tooth
I wrap my hair with jumbo doobie pins and a knock-off Coach scarf
pose in the mirror
shying from my reflection
I used to be vain
I claw the skin beneath my eyes
where the ash of dry salt mapped the path
blood streams down to valley above my lip
down to my second chin
collects around my neck
like sweat during August heat waves
it drips to the half healed flat iron burn on my breast, still pink
I rub it in like
then lick it off
I used to be vain
Copyright 2009 Z. Walker
I live in sepia
Speak in phrases -etched on tea stained pages -contained in anthologies saturated with abstractions
I dream in rainbows
Hearing mel-od-ies in PCP induced keys- of legato dissonance
the world whipping me with its displeasure- The vibrations from my laugh bouncing upon their eardrums after every lashing
I dance in gray-scale, a mono-chromatic 2-step to a 4:4 rhythm, swaying my hips when I think that no one is looking –
I breathe in hues unknown- wading through fog- my lungs
Taking in the spirits of those lost along the way.
Z. Walker Copyright 2009
Photo from Flickr.com Petite Noir
To my Unborn kids,
For the first time I feel like the world may be going into a different direction. It’s moving into a direction that I feel may be good enough for you. My entire life, I figured that I’d never have kids for various reasons. Please don’t think that it’s you (or the idea of you.)
(1) The world is in peril ad infinitum. What type of person knowingly brings their child into a world of pain? Would that not make me selfish? No matter how much I try to protect you, there will always be some ugly that will seep in. I am so sorry for that. War, famine, crime, grave intolerance, hate…the world is just full of it. I am so scared that I will be unable to prepare you for what this world is. All of the love that I can give you and all of the good intentions may not suffice.
(2) Reason # 2 is probably the more pervasive of the two. I did not think that I was capable of even being a mediocre parent. Let alone good one. A great parent would have been out of the question.
Recently, I’ve begun to think that thinks are beginning to align. Possibly, I am not as incompetent as I’ve been led to think. I’m not gonna run out an try to conceive (or adopt) you today. But when you get here, I’ll be a bit less befuddled. I need time to become the best me possible; for both of us. I need to have something to offer you. It is important to me to discount the victimhood that my lineage dictates. But when the time come please know:
a) I will bring you into the world ( or my life) only when I am part of a pair. We will love and respect each other as equals before we even think about adding to our family.
b) I will have corrected my isolative behavior so that you may be surrounded by people that love you and will be at your avail when I am being a dick, or unreasonable , or selfish, or just a victim of my own crazy.
c) Though this world is full of bullshit, I will not dwell on the negatives but I will teach you to appreciate the beauty, art, culture, divine design, and small miracles that life has to offer.
d)I will not lean on you to be stronger than you are capable of being at any given time. But you will always be able to lean on me.I will hold you up. You will never be to heavy.
e)I will never a give a free pass to anyone that may ever hurt you. Even if it may be to my benefit. Your enemies are mine. Your pain is mine. Anyone that does you wrong will answer to me.
f) I will never steal from you. Money, attention, material…whatever. What is yours is yours, exclusively.
g) I will never make you feel ashamed about who you are. My life’s mission will include making sure you know that you are unique and special.
h)I will never bring you into this world to repair something that is broken or to keep hold of something that was never mine to possess.
i)I wil teach you healthy eathing habits and healthy movement patterns .
j)I will always wipe your tears. Anywhere. Anytime. Never be ashamed to tell me what you feel.
k) I will serve as an example of what a good person is instead of telling you what/who you should be. I will be the best me possible so you know that greatness is possible.
l)When I fuck up, I will apologize without shame or indignation. I am human and therefore, fallible. That is something that we must all learn. No one is above making mistake, Nor are we above correcting them.
m)I will teach you that mediocrity that not acceptable under any circumstances. Achieving gretness takes great work. There are no shortcuts.
n) I will never use your existance to not grow as a person. It is quite the contrary. The fact that that I am I even thinking about you today is making me strive to be a better person for you.
o) I do not always speak in cliche’s and hackenyed language, but sometimes it it necessary.
It’s gonna be one hell of a ride. But its a ride that we will take together. I promise you If you give me a chance I’m gonna be the best.